jolover

 If anyone has any idea of where I can find a 2 bdrm on this island, preferably no further from victoria than sooke, for 750, 800 tops per month, could you please let me know? we need to get out of our current place. It's um.. a bit wet...

 allo!
rice is good. although i want mac and cheese, the spiral or sea shell kind, but every one else ate it all. there was like, 20 boxes!! and i got one!! oi.
so yea, im looken for a 2 bdrm. dont care where, but it needs to be under 800. im gonna make a wide known  or whatever post too, but yea.
oh yea, it should probly be on the island, 'cause fali will murder me if i move too far away again. :D
mmm, i guess rice can suffice for mac and cheese. its good.
boo!
-faith

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

meow. ivy is wide awake. and not screaming. YAY!!! i think shes watching V for Vendetta. i went over to my daddies yestorday, got my mail, and borrowed a shitload of movies.
i also got this rogers thing, it says that thier gonna shut my account off, cus i apparently havnt paid them nothen... but they havnt sent me a bill yet this month, so how can i pay when i dont no what to pay? i think its for rolands phone. ><
roland, who by the way is in wilky right now, cus, according to his lawyer, got caught trafficking. cus, according to roland, "some bullshit charge about no alchahol breach". he gets a lot of 'bull shit charges". cus, according to the persons whose house he was at, he got fucken smashed, and started talking in toungues, and so squishy knocked him out 3 times, and roland kept getten bak up, and they made such a fucken racket that squishy got evicted, and roland went to jail. im more inclined to believe squishy since he was the one there that remembers. roland does not remember anything.
and my mom is coming here this summer. that'll be great... than shes heading down to florida. cus its warm there. and she dusnt have creditors after her ass there. at least i know that she aint stayen here.
and fali caught me doing my wierd thing where when i get stressed, i 'smoke' an unlit smoke. it works...
jamie got a job! its only a temporary one, but he's had an offer for a guarenteed 6 mnth long job and hes taken it. all he's gotta do is go ttalk to a lady named Jen Much down at spectrum. he's doing that today after his temporary job is over for the day, and hes gonna let me help (HELP, not do for him fali) with his resume tonight, just in case he needs one for the jen lady. i find that a good huge step, cus he hates maken resumes, and he said that he would rather do dishes than make resumes... and well, we all hate doing the dishe with a passion.
mmkay, ivy's awake. gtg. i should probly eat something... but i dun wanna cook. bah!
-faith

so, it's been a little while since I've written anything... just a little tiny while though. ^_^;
I got my toungue pierceded!! XD its exciting!!  a little painful, but very exciting!! The main reason that I got my toungue pierced is because i want something to fiddle around with all the time so that I stop chewing on my god damned fucking lips, and stop eating my toungue, and stop chewing my nails, my hair, my shirt, picking at my knuckles, my pants... I'm a very fidgety person. And now I got something to fidget with from now on!! My toungue just has to bloody well heal already, stop being all swollen, and let me talk!! This is the exact same kind of lisp I had when I was a kid, before I went to speach therapy. I'm actually afraid that I will get used to speaking like this again, and the lisp won't go away fully... probably a stupid fear, but It's there none the less.
I have started putting Ivy to bed in her crib every night. I kinda feel like I'm losing something, but I guess its all good. :) I'm dating Jamie, have been since about feb.24 / feb27, somewhere around there anways. We still havn't told Roland, and he still hasn't asked. Jamie and I have been on a "Don't ask, Don't tell" kinda deal, which has worked well for us so far, but Roland just IS NOT ASKING! I'm beginning to feel kinda bad, and wanna tell him, but if I do, than It's basically the same thing as asking him for permission to date. It would be like I were looking for his approval... and I don't want to let him think that he's got ANY type of control over me again. He came over today, and I was sleeping, didn't asnwer the door, so he called me from 7/11, and said that he would just come back tomorrow... or something... I don't really remember, I was slightly asleep.
But I do remember that he said that he would drop by tomorrow.
My toungue hurts... but the swelling is going down!! Woot!
Also, I have internet now, because my daddy said 'unfortunately, the internet is almost as important as a phoneline these days, so I'll pay for your internet for you. It won't be the fast one, just the light one, sorry about that kiddo, but I will pay for it for you'
I love my daddy. ^_^
Ivy can sit up now, and she's discovered the b noise, and the fact that she can growl. XD It's so cute!! She grabs at things, and tries to bring them to her mouth, and growls at it when it doesn't work. She's also teething, I think that one of her 4 eye teeth that are coming in has broken through the slightest amount.
It's amazing, Jamie is the first guy I've ever dated that I am sexually attracted to as well as personality attracted to. Even fali admitted that he was attractive in his own way today. XD
*sigh* im tired, but I don't wanna go to bed... But i probably should... I'll try and update a little more often. :D ttyl pples!!
-faith

so, ive decided that having my life on hold for so long is really shitty, and ive decided to start getting my life back NOW, rather than later one, while im in school, which is waht i was waiting for, except that in order to be in school, i need to be in bc housing, which i might not get into for a few years. my life has kinda been on hold since i got prego. and im tired of being stuck in this place, so im reaching out!!
and i got a crush!! which is good!! it means that my life gears are starting to turn into action again!!
i got a crush, however, on my ex's good friend, who also lives on the streets... ><
i think my gears are all rusty, and that i need to aim for a crush on a guy whos NOT my normal type of crushing material. *sigh* i have no idea how to do that.
at least i got a crush though, thats a REALLY good sign, since i havnt HAD a crush on anybody in like, a year, so thats a good thing at least. now i just need to get over this crush, and im in business!! put a lil oil in my rusty gears and get them to spin me thru life better... ew... that sounds a lot dirtier than i meant it to sound...
there was this really cute guy at this chinese restauraunt i went to, im tempted to go to his work and say hi randomly... >< but that would be stupid. his name is martin, he's a single dad, cant be any older than like, 25 absolute tops, and i sat down next to him at his table cus every other table in the place was full, and yea! -_-;; i need a life...
ivy is sick again... :( shes got a really heartbreaking cough that sounds like shes choking almost... and a stuffy nose.... tis sad... i might hafta make a trip to emerg if she doesn't start to pee normally again...
also, ive managed to find a roommate!! shes gonna be 22 soon, so the person would look at her like 'you responsible adult! yes!! teen mother, irrisponsible!! yes!! u look after teen mother on welfare, make sure she pay rent!! yes!!' and all that jazz... so maybe we'll get a place soon!!
except that shes out a job right now... >< im helping her apply to places, but again, my life is put on hold until she has a job. -_-;; i hate this, if one thing isn't puting me on hold, another thing is...
and roland needs to take a dive outa the window and land on his head so that all the sense that im sure is stocked up somewhere in his feet or legs or something comes tumbling into his brain!! *sigh*
im getten my hair cut soon!! next friday to be exact! im gonna look preeeeeetyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. :)
and um.. life update, now done.
i need to fix myself, so that i can live a life, a real life. :) at some point, i should probly go shopping, and find myself some jeans that FIT, and should probly find a few more shirts that make me look all sexy to go with my sexy hair that im gonna have soon. hell, i might even put on a lil make up later this week. i wanna go to a bar one night, just to have a decent night out, have some fun, but im still not so good about being away from ivy yet. i mean, i can walk away from her for a lil bit, but thas about all.
kay, im outa shit to say, and im sure that not many pple have actually read this. :) luv u all!! woot!
-faith
Blessed Be

HI DR NICK!!
o.o; hi!!! ^_^
how r pple in the online world today?? you think if i threw a stone into the computer, it would vanish as it hit the wierd looking flat screen into the cyber space beyond?? no?
me neither..
they should create a screen like that!!
:) i talked to jaleel today, he was made all happy by me!! yay!! despite the desire to rip my hair out, i manage to be happy for my friends!! woot!! and also, i saw a msg from bobby, guy who i had the HUGEST FUCKEN CRUSH on when i lived in delaware. lol im glad he's doin good! (btw, hi!! i read ure journal, obviously, as theres a comment left by me) i feel all spekal too, cus im all leaving an impression upon pple whom i have left behind me in my travels accross the god damned globe, which really isn't all that big when your travelling it. 
roland's over, taken care of ivy for me- well, rather, he's sitting inf ront of the television with ivy, and bouncing her up and down and shes maken cute lil baby noises and is all like 'im the center of the universe!! WORSHIP ME!' well, not saying those words exactly, but you know shes thinken it. i mean, after all, her hair DOES have some red in it, and we all know that redheads are convinced of ther superiority, and thier 'right' to be centre of the universe. *grinz*
guess wut i got for x-mas!! i got a mug, that says 'DUCT TAPE PRO!'  it made me feel loveded. :D
im searching for a place again... got turned down by a lot of places... lots of places are already rented, and i have left two msgs, and i got a viewing of a place on saturday at noon. hopefully, since the guy sounded so nice, he will take pity upon me, and will gimme the friggen place.. cus if i dont get out of my daddy and step mommies house soon, IM GONNA CRACK!!
*rocks back and forth in a corner:* they're coming to take me away, ha ha, they're coming to take me away, ho ho, hee hee, ha ha, to the funny farm, where life is beutiful ALLLLL time, and ill be HAPPY to see those nice young men in thier clean white coats, and thier coming to take me awaayyyyyy!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAH A....
by the gods i wish i could have a friggen beer. just one... a beer and maybe a joint....
NO im not gonna while im breast feeding... not unless the beer is a dark malt...
anywho!! talk to you all later!!!
-faith
Blessed Be

btw, i think this year is gonna be a GOOD FUCKEN YEAR!!!! way better than last. :)

ivy... pretty name for a baby girl eh? an her hair is kinda turning red too!! XD im excited!!
not haven too much fun currently tho... shes asleep for the first time since like, 5 pm today. since about 5, until about 10 30ish, she was screaming... and eating... and kicking her legs... and screaming some more... than sleeping for about 20 mins... than screaming....
she only screamed when i was sitting down though, to her defense. i apparently have to be standing up, and moving, and patting her back, while feeding her all at once, in order for her to be happy. right now shes content to lay in my lap, which is kewl!! though shes making the owl face, so im guessing shes not gonna be content for too much longer.....
im drinking coffee, cus im pretty certain that if i try and take her to bed, and try and sleep myself again like ive tried a couple of times, she'll wake up, and i will have to get up again, and rock her back to sleep.... ><
so im just gonna stay up all night, drinking coffee, and watching the hbo series Rome on dvd.
and ponder on HOW THE HELL im going to make it on my own with ivy, without a job, living off of welfare. HOW THE FUCK AM I GONNA DO THIS??!???!! places wont even fucken accept me... cus im 19, cus i dont have enough of a history of landlords, cus i have a friggen cat on the way from nz, cus i have a baby, cus im too young, cus im female. >< i called some place that had a room for rent, and they said they were only looking for male's in that house. no females. oi.
i cant even find a friggen place for me and ivy to live... how am i gonna be able to grocery shop?? i cant make $419.16 last more than a week! i have about 5 dollers of that left!! granted i now have a shitload of stuff for ivy that i needed... but still!! i get another cheque from welfare on the 20th im sure, cus my FUCKEN EI HASNT GOT BACK TO ME!!! and i tried calling AGAIN this week, and the keep picking up and hanging up on me. fucken hell!!
WTF am i gonna do? and im not sleeping... cus i dont have anyone to help me, dont have anyone to hush ivy for me in the night, just for ONE night... i dont even have my breast pump... i only get a shower every 3-4 days, cus i got nobody to hold ivy for 15 mins for me so i can go shower.... i dont eat much, cus theres really only so much food you can make with only one arm... and i know that if i called pple, and went to thier houses, i could get help... but i dont want to have to go to other pples houses. i like it at home, i like being comfortable, i like being able to wear my bra and nothing else around the house... course, i cant really do that here entirely, cus skye and my dad DO eventually come home every fucken day... fucken hell.
my lil owl is awake, so i gotta go now... cus shes kinda crying.
i wonder if anybody knows of a one bedroom or anything?? if random pple read this, GREAT!! if they dont. meh. im sure ill eventually figure it out, i always do, i just wish i didnt have to always figure it out on my own. fali would help  me i know, but if i ask her to, im just adding stress, adn she does NOT need that right now. bekkie is busy being pregnant, roland is busy getting fucked around, dad's busy, skyes busy, who else is there?
i wish that roland could stay here at the house with me and help me out with ivy. i really fucken do... cus if he could, that would be so fucken great... cus than i could sleep a lil, like i did in the hospital...
for now, im just gonna go watch rome, and be depressed, and drink another cup of strong coffee, and hope that the extra caffiene does not upset ivy's stummy any more than it already is.

roland is in jail again. cus he has some kind of outstanding warrent that i was IN THE COURT ROOM WITH HIM WHEN THE JUDGE SAID THAT IT WAS DEALT WITH!! but noooooooo!! the fucken pigs gotta take him into the fucken jail again, take his fucken rent money that he made (FUCK I WISH HE WOULD USE A FUCKEN BANK!! THEY ARE NOT THAT FUCKEN EVIL!! YOU CAN ONLY HATE 'THE MAN' SO FUCKEN MUCH BEFORE IT FUCKS OVER YOUR ENTIRE LIFE! AND HE HAS A BABY NOW! HE NEEDS TO STOP 'HATEN ON THE MAN' CUS UNFORTUNATELY, 'THE MAN' IS WHAT GIVES US WHAT WE FUCKEN NEED FOR IVY!! I DONT GIVE A SHIT IF THAT GOES COMPLETELY AGAINST MY BEING AN ANARCHIST, THATS HOW IT FUCKEN IS!!), and now hes gonna be going into court tomorrow some time, and gonna hafta start maken money all over again from nothing.
i understand that not all cops are stupid brainless fucken pigs, but most of the ones here in victoria, ARE.
UGH!
and whats even MORE annoying, is roland keeps bringing this upon himself, 'cause he keeps tryna help everyone!! my dad, the fucken idjit, says that he dusnt beleive roland is capable of doing that, but roland is, and does all the time. the fucken numbnuts tries to help pple like crash, and than gets his rent money stolen while hes in the hospital with me and his daughter.
or he goes and tries to help someone whos helped him in the past, and gets his damage deposit taken from him cus the person broke the toilet, and went ot eh front desk in the hotel and asked for shit and used the phone continuously, and caused roland to miss work cus the dumb bitch who was with the guy roland was tryna help wouldnt shut the fuck up and let him sleep, and roland didnt wanna kick either of them out cus it was snowing outside, and OMFG, I WOULD HAVE!! roland has THE WORST FUCKING LUCK!! and i wish that he would stop it, cus he brings it upon himself with his stupid tryna help every one. >< and than he dusn't actually bitch the person whos pissing him off out, he just fucken sucks it up and bitches to me. >< fucken hell!!
i cant believe that hes in jail again. ><
i REALLY hope that he does not make a habit of this... im glad im not moving in with him now. cus i REALLY dont think he would ever make the rent, cus he has the worst fucking luck on the earth!! he brings it upon himself too... oi.
at least hes trying... right??
SOME random person tell me that! just say 'at least he's trying' to me, and ill feel better... i think.. i hope... i dont want ivy to have to visit her daddy in jail as she grows up cus her daddy is disliked by the friggen cops in this town cus the idiot keeps playing the asshole game with the cops, and being a douche bag when he's caught. ><
buh.

XD i have a baby ivy in my lap!! and shes getting big fast... and she sneezes  lots, not cus shes sik or anything, she just sneezes. probly cus of the kitty fur and the dust.
and she kinda projectile spits up... always right when i put on a new outfit on her, or on myself. gotta christan the outfits!!
so, i called fali's place today, to see how her first day at her new job went.. and dave answered. i asked him to to tell her to call me whenever she got home... dont think he did. in return, he told me to tell her to call him if i got ahold her before he did... thats kinda creepy and stalkerish. i think that fali should stop being nice, call me and tell me that she wants him out NOW, and ill make sure he gets out. *sighs and rolls her eyes* even if i hafta call the friggen pigs to help out, ill call the friggen pigs, but one way or another,i would get him out of that house. no problem! and i could TOTALLY get him out of her life, for GOOD, and have it so that he actually stays OUT of her life. unlike a restraining order, those never do anything.
i have a baby! ^_^ she makes me so happy!! i didnt no that this kind of love existed!! seriously, i thought love was just some sort of made up feeling. but, after having a baby, i know for a fact that love exists, cus i love this little person so friggen much... even when im pissed off and at my wits end (whic i have been a couple of times) i love her so much, i still talk nicely to her, or try to at least, and i would still kill anyone who dared tried to hurt her.... now, if some one were trying to hurt fali or bekkie whie im pissed off at them...... (jk!! id still kill them. i think... well, depends on how angry i am...)
ivy is 16 days old today!! ^_^ she's gonna be a month old soon... and shortly after that, she'll be a year old... than 4 years old, and before i know it she'll be talking back at me, telling me im ruining her life, and bringing hom her first bf for me to threaten... *sigh*
kay, im friggen tired...im gonna take ivy to bed now. yay! bed.. sleep... *drool*
bye bye for now!
-faith
Blessed Be

so, im finally branching out on lj, discovering that i CAN explore this place, and figuring a few things out, instead of just signing on and bitching.
and i found this kewl quiz thing... apparently im a d4. woot!!! this sounds nothing like me... usually handing fate of pple over into  my hands IS a very bad idea...

i got to carve a pumpkin last night!! woot!!! and it wasn't even at my house!! XD
i dont think my dad and skye have really been to great about remembering any kind of holiday or birthday this year... last year, we went to all kinds of parties, hosted all kinds of parties, each of our birthdays was a huge success of a party, and all the holidays there were feasts and stuffs!!!
this year... we sorta had a turkey dinner for thanks giving.. we got a single bag of mini chocolate bars for the table for halloween.. we kinda wished each other happy birthday on our birthdays... and i dont remember a single party ive been to, other than my baby shower, and well, that kinda turned out to be a dud. i mean, it was fun and all catching up with bekkie, but.. it wasn't really all that different from normal, except that there were kewl lil snacks.
but!! i got to carve a pumpkin!! so therefore i am happy!! ^-^
its a shame i started feeling like crap at fali's house last night... my stummy still really fucken hurts... i dunno wut the fuck the baby is doing, but what ever it is, it HURTS LIKE A MOTHER FUCKEN BITCH!
hey, that phrase, how did it origionally start i wonder? did someone walk in on her mom and her so called friend having a kinky love affair on her bed or something? or his bed? i thought lesbians were accepted throughout most of the ages...
i got a creepy horse thing, and its starting at me. its pink, and i think its supposed to be a unicorn... but um.. its fucken creepy.. its got pupils that are as big as the tip of my pinky, and only a thin line of purple around them, and its feet are bigger than its head... its head is bigger than its body!! and its all smily... and it stares continually. its creepy! so of course, the baby is gonna LOVE it...
i wish i were still asleep... even though its 12 now... im so freaken tired... i feel like i cant get enough sleep now... although baby sure feels different about that. -_-;
"wake up mommy!! get me food! go pea!! eat cucumber and cheese!! eat an apple!!" "i dont have an apple.." "get me an apple! i want an apple!!" "its 3 in the morning..." "i dont care!!! APPLE!!!"
stupid apples.... i had a dream about trying to eat them... but than they had teeth... and they tried to eat me back... ><
i wonder if fali ever cooked her pumpkin gut seeds? hmm.. cus i want some... o.o;

kay, so my mom told me that i should keep the peace between me and billy, her husband, and up to this point, i wasn't going to. but, in keeping the peace with him, i can totally bitch him out, and not give him a reason to be mad at me, so therefore he cant, as long as im 'trying to keep the peace' yell back at me. and if he does, ill just say 'fuck you, i tried, go to hell.' but yea, i tried to keep the peace by telling billy that i dont give a shit what the fuck he thinks about me, not him im concerned about, and that he shouldnt email me cus i think hes an asshole. i said it in a much nicer way, but thats the jist of it. i also told him that i think hes childish, and that he should really fucking grow up and let my mom speak for herself reguarding everything.
i feel kinda good and kinda wimpish both at once, cus i would LOVE to just tell him 'FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING PRICK, YOUR AN ASSHOLE, AND I HOPE THAT YOU FUCKING DIE!! ILL FUCKING KILL YOU WHENEVER I GET THE GOD DAMNED FUCKING CHANCE OF DOING IT WITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT!! STUPID FUCKING COCKSUCKING ASSHOLE!!' 
but i wont.
unless he sends me another email, that says anything other than 'im glad your growing up and being mature' or some other fucking civil but snide fucking comment. fucking asshole... he tried to tell me that when i was threatening to kill myself, that it was nothing more than an idle threat, and that when i told my mom i tried to kill myself it was nothing more than a fucking lie. no, ending up in hospital a couple of times, once having to drink a  lot of fucking coal (shudder shudder, fuck i hate that shit), which is only one small step away form having ure stomach pumped, is only pretending. stupid fuck head, he doesn't know the FIRST FUCKING THING ABOUT ME! and he thinks hes all special cus he has a fucking college degree, and took, what, ONE year of psych?? he thinks hes the next fucking... shit.. i hate this.. i cant remember the name of the supposed greatest psychologist... >< fuck!! FUCKING BABY BRAIN!!! ITS RUINS MY RANTS!! *pout*
houdini is NOT a psychologist.. so y m i thinking that name?
i miss houdini. :) he was a kewl rat. really fucken fat and lazy, just the way i like rats. yay!!
OH! that reminds me, not sure how, but it does, im probly not gonna be moving out of my daddies until like, 4 mnths from now. im gonna keep an eye out for a place in fali's building, a one bedroom. that should be just fine until baby is a lil older, and if im still in school when i finally get into bc housing, than that will be perfect for me, cus bc housing is only 30% of your income.
dude, all housing hsould be like that. :)
than we could all afford to live happily ever after!! yay!!
kay, im done ranting now.
-faith

is there a particular site online that google refuses to find me that will tell me about the growing baby numbers in the past two years (two meaning 06 and 05)?? cus, i found some, but not many, and most of the sites i found are referring to the golden age,  where those baby boomers will be retiring soon, and dying soon, and how our population is screwed... me thinking population no be screwed after all these babies are born. o.o;; after all, there were 400 babies born this month in alberta... just this month alone!! ><
-faith

im kinda scared of a boy who decided to proclaim his love for me when he was really drunk... cus i cant predict what he'll do about anything... i thought i could, but i cant... ive known him for  over a year, and yet, about two weeks ago, he randomly attacked roland, and than chased after the guy when he tried to run away, and i thought i was going into early labour cus i was really stressed from the all the adrenaline and the whole having to stop the god damned fights.... and yea.. that was the last thing that i ever expected him to do...
he called me and asked me if we were still gonna be roommates. i told him no, its a bad idea. we would get into fights, we're too different in our opinions about things, which is true!! the way that he acted that one night... and the way that he's acted before around me... we would get into fights cus in my own house im not gonna be polite, im gonna call him on it when he's being an ashole or a stupid lil spoiled brat. and we would fight. i didnt want that to happen, cus it woulda ruined whatever was left of our friendship... and instead of asking how, he just said 'well, its up to you. whatever.' and hung up on me.
than he txted me and said: From no on i'm your friend but you are not mine. if you ever need anything i can help with just ask. I mean that i really do. At least now i know you better'
than he said a lil later: 'Im sorry for being an asshole. im troubled. Please forgive my weakness'
than he wrote: 'I love u and so much else please dont be angry with me'
and than: 'I lost my mind tonight. Ur better off without me. Im so sorry for being so angry.'
Than i wrote him back with the best thing id heard all night (btw, i called bekkie for advice, cus she deals with guys like this a lot, i never have), which was 'is it faster to alaska than by bus??' he didnt answer me, and so i tried 'r u drunk? if u r, can we talk 2morrow morning? if ure not, can u get drunk so we can talk?' cus well, if ure acting like that sober, u bloody well NEED a fucking drink!! atleast, thats what i think... he told me he was drunk, so i asked if we could talk in the morning... and he never responded.
ive now deleted him off of my phone list... but considering how close he was to punching me (seemingly to me that is,  i dunno if he would have or not... i cant predict him at all...) that night when i broke up the fight, im kinda scared... cus well, one minit, he hates me. the next, he loves me. than he cant stand me... he cant seem to make up his mind... and he kinda scares me... ALOT!
what if i run into him which is bound to happen eventually, its fucking victoria... >< so what happens than? is he gonna punch me in the stomach? is he gonna try an give me a hug? is he gonna slap me? chase me? make the cross upon his chest and run away screaming rape?!? ive never known someone for over a year, and not know them... like, be unable to predict them, unable to find thier personality... i may not understand thier reasoning behind a lot of things, but i have never before encountered a person i could not predict at least close to the mark on how they would react for things... so im kinda scared... is that stupid?? being scared of a guy whos about twice ure size?? and to think, i had a crush on him... *shudders*
he's now kind of reminding me of my mom's ex named mike, and her current named billy. mike was hard to predict too, but i caught onto his personality within 6 mnths... billy icaught onto simply by looking at that jackass...
i dunno how to block pple from my cellphone... every time it rings, im kinda scared it will be him... cus i dunno how to react to him telling me he loves me... i dunno how to talk to him in general now... wtf would i say? 'oh hi, i think ure creepy and hope u get ure ass kicked. take care!!' ><
i have pple offering to throw hits on him and to kik his ass left right and center, cus it IS his fault that i got so stressed that night... roland walked away three times. and than also because he did rat someone out downtown, and he has now thoroughly creeped me out... and i guess my friends care about me. :) but than... alan is a decent guy i thought... how could he not be? the cat loves him... cats are a good judge of character, are they not?? i thought they were.....
im so confused... if i could figure out his personality type, than i wouldnt be scared... but i cant.... this guy is so... unpredictable... gaaaahhhhhh!!!
and this is a great big long one... saying the same thing over and over. -_-;; sorry... but i need to rant.
and bekkie is 4 mnths prego... and we're moving in together now again, which is kewl, cus now i dont hafta search for a roommate!! woohoo!!
and i got a glow in the dark dildo. :D havnt tried it out yet, but its kewl!! ^-^
what if he calls me? >< i dont wanna deal with him... im seriously scared...
cus if i piss him off... if i piss him off, than what's he gona do to me?
he tried to kick rolands ass cus roland dusnt like cops.... thats it... and roland hadnt even SAID anything really... and he just... went after him... roland was walking away.... and he chased him... cus he dusnt like cops... i dont like cops either man!! they've screwed me over so many times, left an air tazer mark on me cus i was walking by... and i guess looke suspicious... i mean, what if some kinda disagreement like that happened if we were roommates man? in front of my kid... would he chase me down in the house and kik my ass too?? just cus im a girl wont stop him i dont believe, cus i dont believe it stops anybody really. the person is what stops a punch from flying, not the sex. at least, thats what i believe...
what happens if my kid is a boy, and is a year old, and calls alan a fuck-twat? whats he gonna do, slap my kid around?!?!? i dont really want him near me or my baby... if i cant predict a person, i dont want them near me....
>< i hate violence.. ironic that is really...
i wana draw... but all my sketch books are completely used up... to the point where i have now erased about half of the half doodles and drawn on teh page again... i cant do that no more cus the marks from the previous doodles are there, and they fuck up the new drawing... -_-;; so i think ill go grab some computer paper. :)
i wonder if its stupid to be scared of alan... any one can answer that however they please, if they choose to do so... if they have even read this thing. ^-^;;; i no its long.
-faith

okay okay, now, this is freaky, im 8 mnths prego now.
and me and bekkie went to my pre natal class this last monday, and both got scared shitless, and bekkie btw, has been SOOOO fucking careful about NOT getting prego since she found out that i was, shes like, made boys put on two condoms, and she had an iud, and all that jazz. her iud kinda dissopeared, well, the string did, and so she went to have an ultra sound today to see where the fuck the thing went, and then found out that shes four months prego. with no iud to be found.
O_O;; HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN?!?!? 
GAH!
O_O;;
this is FUCKED!!! shes four months... now all we need is for fali to accidentally get prego, and we'll all be four months apart, and all have kids at the same fucking time... ><
bekkie is marrying jake cus shes having his kid. -_-;; fucken hell... shes marrying him cus shes having his kid... shes marrying for thekid... thats so fucking wrong.. my dad did that with my mom, and if youve read any of my journals previously, than you know that it dusnt turn out well... my dad made a HUGE mistake when he did that, and now bekkie is about to make the same mistake... they should be FRIENDS for the babies sake, not married... -_-;; bloody fucken hell... shes giving up a GREAT guy for a dumbass....
*sigh* nothen i can do aboutthat...
but OMG!!!! im freaked out about the her being prego, she was so careful... and she had an iud... where the hell did the damned thing go?
wouldnt she have noticed no period?? and what about the thing moving? tho i didnt feel it moving properly until like, 5 mnths... -_-;;
im SO not gonna get over this!!
she went in to see where her iud went, and finds out that shes prego... o.o;;
atleast the doctor said that its healthy... omg... this is so wierd... omg... omfg...
kay, im gonna go now... and watch an episode of star trek that ive already seen today and mull over it..
OMF-GEEEEEE!!! XD

buh. boys are so STUPID!!!!! ><
i had to stop a fight twice the other night, thought i was going into early labour cus of the pain i felt, and than once it started to tuly abate, the dumbasses were gonna go at it again, only they decided not to, and decided to talk, appologize, and start being all buddy buddy like. -_-;; well, not buddy buddy exactly, but u may as well call it that when you compare it to the previous contact they had had that night of trying to kill one another... >< stupid boys!!
and than the next day i thought my either my water broke or i was losing the liqued lining stuff that keeps baby safe. turns out that it wasn't that tho, and no, i didnt pee myself either. it was just a bunch of stress liqued stuff... i dunno wut u call it... girls always get it before thier periods. thats about as much as i no about that stuff. :)
i wonder if any boys read my journal?? o.o;;
i wonder if ANYBODY reads my journal...
probly not. ^-^;
but yea, boys are stupid, and i dont think that the amazon women had it too wrong when they had decided to just steal boys, bring em in to do the nasty, and than shipped them back out again. and than the baby boys, they were shipped out too i think... would make sense. :) but yea, makes total sense to just, send all the boys away, and keep the girls, cus boys are stupid. i say we start up another amazon women thing!
or not... cus if we did that, than i wouldnt get penis... not that im getting much now ANYWAYS, but still...
i like this time of year. :) best time of year!!! its still warm, but its all rainy, and it smells good! i want pumpkin pie... o.o; maybe if i ask my daddy really nicely he'll bring home the ingrediants so that i can make some.
kay, im gonna go dissopear now.
-faith

BUH! ^-^
im feeling good, though the open ended issue with my mom is driving me a lil insane cus i wanna CLOSE it, but not until after i give birth, cus i was close to a giving birth to a premy already, im sure, and id ont wanna end up giving birth to a premy... to much work... and so i not talk to her and end it officially till afterwords.
till than, im just gonna keep myself busy, all the time.
and im NOT going to change my grammer online, no matter HOW insane it drives my best friend, cus if i do, than ill feel like im listening to billy. that asshole. im going to kill him.. seriously. i am.
anywho, im gonna go now, cus i gotta get chris to cash out, so i leave a msg later. :) bye bye

there is a main reason as to why i left my mom in nz. this guy is it. his name is billy schneider. hes her husband. now, fali wrote my mom a letter. i agree with her letter, most of it, but I DID NOT WRITE IT. I DID NOT SEND IT.
and this is the letter that billy wrote me back. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM! yet, he wrote me back. mom did to, but i dont need to put that up. its basically telling me im stepping on her hurt toes. this one though.. fuck, i need some1 to read it... please... and tell me if its as much of an asshole thing as i feel like it is... my boobies are leaking. :(
kay, i cant attach it. >< that sucks.
WTF dus billy have to do with FALI WRITING MY MOTHER A LETTER?!?!? what the fuck does my granpa have to do with it? WHAT DOES JEANNE HAVE TO DO WITH IT?!?!!??!?!?
there are now two people who i hate. ONLY TWO PEOPLE!!! billy schneider, and mike shower. those two men, i will HAPPILY watch being tortured. THIER BOTH FUCKING GOOFS WHO DESERVE A LOT WORSE THAN THEY GOT IT! THIER FUCKED UP AND THEY DONT DESERVE TO LIVE! i hope that they BOTH get hit by a train, live, and stay in a bed, shitting themselves and pissing themselves, while they have people RAPING THEM while still being concious, and have to deal with having the INABILITY TO MOVE whenever something happens. such as a fire that burns themto a crisp, but they survive. and than taking in any kind of breath would be AGONY!
fali i hope ure home, or at least bekkie, cus i need one of u right now. i thought i was used to these hormones. i guess im not. ><
-faith
Blessed Be